Why I Love Those Adorable Little Bundles of Joy
I really love children. I especially love watching them when they're between the ages of one to three, and seeing their mothers having to bend down to tie their shoes or to pick them up when they stumble and fall.
It's so adorable, because when their mothers bend over like that you can usually get a great view of their breasts hanging down inside their open-necked blouses…
Hmm. Maybe I should start again.
I really love women's breasts. A lot. And I don't discriminate. Large, small, round, pointed – I think they're all just terrific.
Of course, I'm not alone. A recent study conducted at the Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand found that breasts are very often the first thing that a man looks at when he sees a woman. I believe this research was conducted by the university's world-renowned Center for the Study of Extremely Obvious Things.
Before writing this column, I also did some research and some thinking of my own with regard to a number of questions on the subject of women's breasts. And the first question that you probably have – at least if you're a typical heterosexual man – is: "How can I get a job like the author of this column, in which I'm paid to think about women's breasts?" Well, you might start by contacting the Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand.
Of course, the question that most people really wonder about is: "Why are men so attracted to women's breasts?" As it turns out, the answer to that question depends on whom you ask.
For example, if you're a woman and you ask a man that question, the first thing he's likely to say is, "I'm sorry. What?" This is because he was too busy staring at your breasts to effectively process your question.
The truth is that even scientists aren't completely sure what it is about women's breasts that so fascinates men. Those New Zealand researchers speculated that the reason could be evolutionary, with larger breasts indicating higher levels of estrogen, a sign of greater fertility. But they also said it could be that men just like the way women's breasts look. I certainly hope the Nobel Prize committee is aware of this astonishing research.
An interesting fact is that women are the only female mammals that have protruding breasts all the time, whereas other mammal females develop them only when they're pregnant. One noted zoologist has theorized that women developed rounded breasts as a sexual lure for face-to-face intercourse (considered the most successful kind for human copulation), just as some other female mammals developed prominent buttocks to attract males for rear-entry sex.
I have to interrupt at this point to mention that my wife just walked into the room where I am writing this and – having noticed the words "prominent buttocks" and "rear-entry sex" on my computer screen – inquired as to what it is exactly that I'm writing about. I suggested that she read what I've written so far, which fortunately required her to bend over slightly while standing next to me…
Anyway, what's so interesting about that zoologist's theory is the "chicken and egg" aspect of it, i.e. that the reason why women have breasts in the first place is because men are attracted to them. It thus also suggests that men are now attracted to women's breasts – like the noted mountaineer George Mallory said about his reason for climbing Mt. Everest – simply because they are there.
In the end, it's a happy story, because scientists also believe that the increase in face-to-face sex promoted by the development of women's breasts led to the development of a greater emotional bond between men and women.
That certainly makes sense. I can personally attest that many of my deepest emotional bonds during my life began with a single thought: Whoa!
So, the next time you find yourself staring at a woman's breasts, or if you're a woman, notice a man staring at yours, just remember that it's all perfectly natural.
And finally, as George Mallory would say, simply "because they are there," here's an interesting list:
Mountains named for breasts
- Breasts of Aphrodite (Greece)
- Tetica de Bacares (Spain)
- Beinn Chìochan (Scotland)
- Maiden Paps (Scotland)
- Paps of Arnu (twin hills in Ireland)
- Mount Elgon (Uganda-Kenya border)
- Bundok ng Susong Dalaga (Phillipines)
- Khao Nom Sao (Thailand)
- Cerro Las Tetas (Puerto Rico)
- Grand Tetons (U.S.)
