Dealing With The Birth Of Your Immaculately Conceived Child

Wow! Didn't see that one coming, did you? 

That's the way major life changes happen sometimes. One day you're a young married couple, just thinking about what to make for supper or planning your next romantic vacation together at your favorite Dead Sea resort. 

The next day you're expecting the birth of your first child, who just happens to be the Light of the World, the King of the Jews, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, the Messenger of the Covenant, the Angel of Jehovah, the Lord Almighty, the chosen one, the deliverer, the beginning and the ending, the alpha and the omega, the son of Man, and the son of God. 

Naturally, your first thought is: Whew! That's going to make a really long status update on Facebook! True enough. But what's also true is that it's only one of many challenges you'll be facing when it comes to the birth of your immaculately conceived child. 

To make your new life a bit easier, following are answers to some frequently asked questions on the subject.

What should we tell our family and friends?

It's understandable that you'll want to share the news of your coming blessed event with everyone you know – not just via Facebook and Twitter, but also with photos of your adorable little King of Kings on Flickr, Zoomr, Tumblr and Instagram. 

However, it's always wise to consider the possibility of your local mad, homicidal monarch issuing an edict for all male children under the age of two to be slaughtered. Therefore, at least for now, it's probably best to keep your big news a secret, telling only a few close family members and limiting your social media usage to Google Plus+.

We're planning to go to Bethlehem for the census. Should we book ahead?

Census time is always the worst time of the year for travel, and all hotels are likely to be booked solid. Fortunately, there's a new website called Mangr.com that offers low-cost accommodation in a wide range of animal enclosures. It's the perfect solution for last-minute, budget-minded travelers who don't mind the scent of manure or finding the occasional piece of straw in their espresso. 

The site also features useful customer reviews, such as: "Two stars. Convenient location near the mineral baths and Coliseum, but we could have lived without the donkeys braying all night."

We took your advice and booked a stable. It's big enough for us and our new baby, but now a whole crowd of kings, wise men and shepherds have shown up uninvited. How did they find us?

In today's wired world, your location is often being tracked without your knowledge or consent. The most intrusive GPS app is GuidingStar, which constantly monitors your movements and – in the event of your having a miraculous birth – immediately alerts others by placing an enormous heavenly body in the firmament directly above you. 

To deactivate this app, just visit its website, enter your name, and click "opt out". Alternatively, you can also tailor your GuidingStar settings to limit notifications of your birth location only to selected groups, such as family, friends, colleagues, angels, soothsayers, priests, prophets, paparazzi or insurance agents.

Is it inappropriate to return birth gifts for a refund or exchange? The gold is great, but we've got more frankincense and myrrh than we can possibly use, and what we really need is a new dishwasher.

Don't worry. Unless the gift you've received is personalized (e.g. a baby bib with "The Messiah" stitched on it) or perishable (e.g. a severed lamb's head), it's completely appropriate to exchange it for something more useful. 

One way to avoid this problem is by registering your coming birth with a merchant – such as Swarovski or Tesco – and sending potential gift givers your wish list. Otherwise, you're likely to get multiples of the same gifts: tiny hats, tiny shoes, tiny spoons, and of course, boxes and boxes of myrrh.

How long should we wait before telling our child that he's actually the son of God?

There are no set rules in this regard, so you have to use your own judgment. If you tell him too soon, you run the risk of putting extreme pressure on him at a young age, as well as the possibility that he'll start refusing to take out the trash because it's "beneath him." Plus, if his teachers find out, you'll have a harder time explaining to them why he's getting a C in math and a D in Greek. 

The best approach may be to just to let him figure it out for himself, which will start to happen pretty quickly, as soon as he wishes he had a smart phone and finds that he suddenly has one.

Just do the best that you can in helping your little Holiest of Holies get used to being "different." And be patient with him when he keeps complaining about the fact that his birthday is the same day as Christmas. 

That really does suck.