Hooray!... or else… Holy fucking shit!
This week, I thought I should write about the results of the U.S. presidential election. But because I always have to finish my column for the magazine by Monday, at the time when I wrote this I still didn't know who won the election.
So, I decided to write two columns this time, expressing my feelings in the case of each of the following two newspaper headlines appearing the day after the election.
OBAMA DEFEATS ROMNEY
Nation's first African-American president is re-elected for second term
Oh, thank God. I'm so happy, so relieved, so grateful. And I'm so proud of my country.
The American economy's still weak. Too many people are unemployed. The country's national debt is 16 trillion dollars. People are worried, scared and angry. But, still, my fellow countrymen had the good sense to re-elect the brilliant, decent and honest man who we've been lucky enough to have in charge for the past four years.
In the end, they didn't blame him for the mess that America is in. They remembered that it was all mostly Bush's fault. And they realized that no president could dig us out of a mess that deep in just four years, especially when the Republicans in Congress have been doing everything possible to ensure that he couldn't.
I knew that the majority of Americans would never fall for that two-faced Mitt Romney, who just kept saying whatever he thought was necessary get elected. I mean, it was so obvious that he was lying – first saying he would cut everyone's taxes by 20 percent, then, after he was criticized for that, saying he only meant that he would cut tax rates and that rich people would still pay the same amount in taxes that they do now.
Right. That's why the rich were giving hundreds of millions of dollars to his campaign. So that he wouldn't cut their taxes. Please.
First he was against ending the war in Afghanistan, then he was for it. First he supported the idea of government-mandated health insurance, then he was against it. He used to fully support a woman's right to have an abortion. Now he thinks it should be illegal in most cases.
Obama called Mitt Romney's constant changing of positions "Romnesia." That was funny. But, as the election got closer, I was so afraid that it was going to work.
And, please, don't even get me started on Mr. Romney's religion, which believes that God lives on the planet Kolob and that those who worship him, when they die, will also become gods and will each have a planet of their own. And, yes, they really do wear "magic underwear" that they believe protects them from harm. No kidding.
So, it certainly would have been historic if he had won the election. America could have elected it's first certifiable nutcase president. Decades of discrimination against electing the mentally unstable to high political office could finally have been overcome. What a pity that it didn't work out.
Anyway, like I say, I'm so proud of my country for re-electing President Obama. The idea that, in a world where there's still so much racial and ethnic hatred, we have an African-American president of the U.S.A. is just so inspiring. The thought that, 150 years after President Lincoln freed the slaves, the White House which those slaves built is now occupied by a black man fills me with a sense of justice and great progress.
My feelings about the U.S. are still mixed. I left my country to come and live in this one, which I love. I never miss living in America. But, today, I am very happy to be an American.
If you're looking for me, I'll be in the pub, celebrating.
ROMNEY DEFEATS OBAMA
America elects first Mormon president
Oh, my God. Fuck! Shit! No! I don't believe it! It's not possible!
Or, no, even more sadly, I do believe it. Because I already knew it. The majority of people in my country are idiots who'll believe anything that someone says if he lies convincingly enough.
And they elected the rich white guy. How original.
I'm already on my fifth bottle of bourbon since yesterday, and it's not helping. I'm so ashamed of my country. That's it. I'm changing the name of this column. I never liked it anyway. I told the editor, Mr. Hamšík, that it should be called "An American Refugee in Prague" because that's what I really am. Where do I apply for Czech citizenship?
I'm worried, scared and angry. But at least I'm happy for Mr. Obama. It's not his problem anymore. He deserves a rest. He's been looking so tired recently.
And now, as President of the United States, Mr. Romney can finally get that experience he'll need for running his own planet after he dies.
Great. Just fucking great.
If you're looking for me, I'll be in the pub, crying.
