The Prague Driving Academy

(Czech version here)

You look a little nervous. Don't be. Driving a car is actually quite simple once you get the hang of it. Rule number one: Remain calm at all times. So, let's get started, shall we?

Just put your foot on the clutch and turn the key.

NO, THE CLUTCH! THAT'S THE BRAKE. Sorry. The left pedal. Yes, that one. And remember to relax. Take a deep breath. Now, just hold the clutch down and turn the key. Good.

STOP TURNING THE KEY! THE CAR IS RUNNING ALREADY!

Okay, fine. Everything's fine. It's just that…did you notice that terrible grinding sound that the car was making just then? That's a bad thing, okay? Bad! Don't do that!

So, again, relax. Breathe. You're doing great. Now, just put the car into first gear. Yes, like that. Then, step down on the gas pedal.

WHOA! NOT SO MUCH! JEEEZUS!

Just give it a little gas…yes, like that. Now, slowly take your foot off the clutch. NO, SLOWLY! THAT'S TOO FAST! STOP! WITH THE BRAKE! NO, NOT THE HAND BRAKE! THE BRAKE PEDAL! OH, MY GOD! LOOK OUT!

Whew! That was close. Are you okay? Are you sure? You're sweating. Stay calm. Remember to breathe. Here's a towel to wipe your forehead with. Better dry your hands, too. I'm just going to take a sip of this…um…water that I always carry with me.

So, great. We've already gone ten meters and we're still alive. Now, this time, let's see if we can get all the way down to the end of this block without killing ourselves or anyone else, okay?

Here we go…a little gas, slowly letting go of the clutch…good, now we're moving! Okay, now we're coming up to an intersection. We have the right of way, but look, there's a crosswalk, and there's an old woman waiting to cross the street. So, stop and let her cross. Rule number two: Always look out for pedestrians and respect their rights.

Hmm…she's not crossing. Flash your headlights to let her know she can cross.

Jesus, what is she waiting for? Honk the horn! HEY, GRANDMA, WAKE UP! MOVE YOUR ASS, YOU OLD CRONE BEFORE THEY CATCH YOU AND TAKE YOU BACK TO THE ASYLUM!

Christ. I need another sip of my water. Ahhh, that's strong…I mean, refreshing.

Here we go again. A little more gas….good. Now, this right lane is closed for some construction up ahead, so we need to get in the left lane. Signal, look in your mirror to make sure there are no cars coming, and then pull to the left. Good. Now we just have to wait in this line of cars. Rule number three: Remember to respect the other drivers. Safety first.

Wait a minute! Look at this asshole in the black Audi who drove all the way down the lane that's closed and now he's trying to cut in front of us! NO FUCKING WAY! DON'T LET HIM IN! GO! DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE CAR! YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO LET HIS PRECIOUS AUDI GET SCRATCHED BY THIS OLD PIECE OF SHIT SKODA? GO! GO! YEAH, WE'RE NOT LETTING YOU IN, YOU MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH! ZIEG HEIL, YOU LUXURY CAR NAZI!

Hey. Are you okay? You're shaking. Relax and breathe while I take another sip of this. You're doing fine. Isn't this fun?

Now, up here we're going to turn right and get on the city expressway. Don't forget to signal. Rule number four: Always respect the driving laws. They exist for a reason.

Good. We're on the city expressway now. Why are you still going so slowly? Okay, yeah, officially the maximum speed is 50 kph here. But, hey, it's a six-lane highway, for God's sake. Nobody drives 50 on it.

Whoa, look! That same black Audi asshole just passed us. See how fast he's going? Follow him! Faster! Get right up on his ass! Honk the horn! HEY THERE, YOU RICH FAT FUCK! Now pass him! Yes, go around him! Of course you can do it! Stop crying! Don't be a baby! Go! Go! YES! HA! EAT OUR EXHAUST, YOU DIESEL GUZZLING DIRTBAG!

Well done! See how good that feels? Here, have a sip of this. You've earned it.

Rule number five: Hey, it's a car. Have fun!