'Tis Almost the Season. Shit!

It seems to start earlier every year. It's only mid-October, and already Czech people are complaining about Christmas. 

When I first came to this country 20 years ago, people here didn't start complaining about Christmas until around the end of November or early December. But now, they can't seem to wait to let their cherished disdain for holiday begin.

When I was on vacation in Tunisia at the end of August, I overheard some Czech people near me, and one of them said, "Well, summer's almost over. And you know what that means."

"Yeah," said another. "Christmas. Shit."

That was 18 weeks before the holiday. Impressive.

Well, it certainly makes sense. Why wait until the last minute in December when everybody's complaining about Christmas and it's hard to get a negative word in edgewise? Today, smart Czech Christmas haters make sure to get all of their bitching and moaning about the holiday done by the end of November, so they can then relax and enjoy the season.

So, to help you get a head start on your Christmas contempt, here's a helpful checklist of things to remember about why it's the most horrible holiday of the year, the one that Czech people most love to hate.

1. The fucking cleaning. Not just vacuuming and dusting, but washing the goddamned windows, as well, even though they'll probably be dirty again after just a few days from all the polluted snow. And, after your home is finally clean, get ready to clean it all over again when the bloody holiday is finally over and your place is littered with pine needles, tinsel, food crumbs, spilled drinks, and a million torn pieces of wrapping paper.

2. The fucking shopping. Nobody in your family needs anything. If they did, they'd have bought it for themselves already. Nevertheless, you've got to figure out something to give everybody and then go out and find whatever the hell it is while surrounded by hundreds of other crazed and desperate people, all of whom are about to pass out from wearing heavy winter clothes inside a heated store. And don't forget the tree. Today, a six-foot spruce costs a full day's wages. So, get your anger out of the way by declaring today the day you worked eight hours to pay for a tree that will be dead two weeks after you buy it and lug it home.

3. The fucking cookies. They take forever to bake and nobody eats them, so what's the point? There is no point. It's just the way it is. So, just make the damn things and shut up.

4. The fucking hype. It's everywhere. Television, radio, newspapers, magazines, billboards, store windows, flyers stuffed in your mailbox. "Merry Christmas from McDonald's." Really? Hopefully, they're not expecting a gift.

5. The fucking hypocrisy. "Peace on Earth. Good will towards men." One day a year? How nice. And, by the way, as a gesture of good will, all prices of gift merchandise are increased 25-50% during November and December.

6. The fucking religion. The Czech Republic is distinguished as being one of the least religious countries in the world. A full 79% of Czechs do not believe that there's a magical man who lives in the sky and controls everything.  They also know that for centuries the Christmas holiday was a traditional pagan celebration of the winter solstice before the Christians basically took it over, claiming it was the time of Jesus's birth. They know it, and they know that there is nothing they can do about it, except to have another drink and try to forget about it.

7. The fucking repetitiveness. The soup. The carp. The potato salad. The decorations. The songs. "Mrazík." "Tří ořišky pro Popelku." "My Fair Lady." Help!

8. The fact that it's fucking cold and dark.  In the end, when it comes right down to it, this is what really sucks the most about Christmas. The weather's been lousy since November, and it's not going to get any better until at least March and probably not until April. Whose bright idea was it to have a happy, perky, song-filled joy fest in the middle of all this incessant gloom?! Were they nuts?

And, by the time you've done all of those weeks of cleaning, shopping, decorating and cooking, the whole damn holiday is over in just a few days. Then, suddenly, it's the new year, and you know what that means.

Valentine's Day. Shit.

Fun fact: The English word for "kapr" is "carp," which is also a verb meaning "to complain."